Diary of a Chapter Leader

Over the past few months and culminating today, I have had an “experience” suited for any SGI meeting. If you are not an SGI member, here is an outline of the SGI experience:

1. You encounter a problem/challenge/illness

2. You chant your ass off

3. Something happens to rectify the problem/challenge/illness

I have one of those experiences, except I left out one of the steps. Here is my story-

Every month I receive two payments. These payments have been very helpful in these days of financial downturn. My family has learned to live happily on much less. I was notified early this year that one of the payments would be discontinued after June of this year. In March, we decided to take a vacation in October. We set it up and put a down payment on it. I was stressing over how I was going to pay this off with onlyone payment. I was working the budget and knew I would find the funds to pay it off. Here comes July and I receive both payments. Now, I know they are going to figure this out and take the payment back, so I leave it there. And leave it there. And two weeks pass and I decide, what the hell, I’ll use the extra payment to pay off the vacation. If they figure it out, I’ll feign ignorance and pay it back. Then, today, payment day, I was expecting to get two again, but alas, only one comes. The extra payment last month was the cash I needed to pay the vacation. It was my benefit, my reward for all my effort, my mystical effect for some good cause.

The only problem with this is I skipped step 2. I didn’t chant my ass off. In fact I barely chant. When I chant, I get side tracked. Chanting does not relax my mind, it energizes it. Or maybe the relaxation causes clarity. So how do I explain this? Today I am choosing “That’s life!”

In the SGI, we are preached to about faith, practice and study. The problem I see is most folks don’t like to study the writings of Nichiren or Lotus Sutra. Most only read Ikeda’s words. Sometimes they neglect to read Nichiren’s and only read Ikeda’s. Many members choose to concentrate on practice. They sit before their alter and chant, chant, chant. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to have any benefit from all this chanting. I can not chant for long periods of time. It has never been my way. Greg was a “practicer.” He would practice drumming for hours at a time. In his early days of practicing Buddhism, he would chant two hours a day. That is not my way. I am just no a practicer. I do not like the analogy of a bank. Chanting is like karmic money in the bank and then when something happens you can use that karmic money to fix it? It seems so childish. Ok, children, we’re going to chant for good things to happen and if bad things happen it’s the Devil of the Sixth Heaven.

And then there is faith. I have spent the last two years coming to grips with my faith. I have read a few books, had a few conversations, read and discussed some of Nichiren’s letters. I realize that I think about Buddhism everyday. I ponder what I have read. I listen and read what others have to say and then think about it and decide what I agree with and what I don’t, and why I agree or don’t. I know that I can overcome any problem/challenge/illness that comes my way. Not because I mindlessly chant, but because I mindfully think. Now, if I started to mindfully chant… what would happen?

PS  For those who say I “stole” the money… there is really no way to send it back. Too many layers, too much red tape, just can’t do it.

Tracy asks” “I am leaving the SGI – after over 20 years. Should I return my Gohonzon? I am really conflicted. What are your thoughts?”

I am sorry you need to leave SGI. I wish you had the support you deserve to continue. Twenty years is along time, your decision must have been difficult. Apparently Rock the Era, mentor/disciple and the strong Ikeda push haven’t worked for you. I  have been hearing that more often lately. The organization is trying to forge it’s future. Our young members grew up and we forgot to replace them. That is what Rock the Era is about, introducing young people to this practice. The strong Ikeda push feels like desperation. That, of course, is my own feeling and I can own it. Does any one else remember The Human Revolution? The first Human Revolution? Not The New Human Revolution. We bought all these little books and read them and quoted from them. We were told it was the history of us. Then we found out is was not the history of us, it was a fictional story. Doh! Now we are studying The New Human Revolution. These books are really expensive and this is the real story of us. Sorry, you lost me after the first one.

But, as usual, I have gone off on a rant. Back to Tracy. Through all my struggles, I still enjoy SGI. I know I would have no practice at all if not for SGI. Everyday I attempt to own my practice and struggles with my local organization. I moved here, these members need me and I need them. But you, Tracy, don’t feel that way anymore. As bad as I think it gets around here, it must be much worse where you live.

What to do with your gohonzon… I think you should keep it. You took a vow when you accepted it, to protect it and take care of it. You are a different person because you accepted that gohonzon and practiced Nichiren’s Buddhism. If you are contemplating returning the gohonzon, you must have decided to stop chanting. But will you stop being a Nichiren Buddhist? You don’t have to quit SGI. It is very easy to just walk away. At least it is around here. But later in life, you may decide to chant again. I know many members who gave it up for long periods and then started chanting again. Some even rejoined SGI. For some reason it is always 20 years. You are leaving after 20 years. Others return after 20 years. Again, I don’t know your story, so I may be way off, but it is your gohonzon, you have history with it, you have overcome lots of crap in front of that gohonzon, cried with it, laughed, screamed. It is a part of you. If you are not going to chant, take it down, roll it up and protect it. Never lose track of it. It will always be there for you when you need it.

All of us start in SGI. We all owe a debt of gratitude to SGI and President Ikeda for bringing this Buddhism to your country. That being said, I can understand why you may want to leave SGI. My suggestion is to find another sanga, a group of supportive friends to study and talk about Buddhism. And never stop reading fraughtwithperil.com!

Tracy and any one else contemplating a change, tell us your story. We want to help!

Yeah, it’s been awhile. I have much to write about, but don’t seem to get to it. I equate writing to chanting: it’s easy, yet difficult. We all know we should chant, but sometimes it is just difficult to make yourself do it. OK, that is a generalization based on me and some other Buddhists I know. But you get the picture.

I am still a Chapter Leader. I was going to go to the area leaders meeting and submit my resignation, but the meetings were never held on the scheduled day. Then I was asked not to resign by a young man I have watched grow from a confused teenager to a wonderful man. I couldn’t say “No” to him. So I took the middle way, I just stopped doing any chapter duties. My plan was that the chapter function would degrade to the point that upper management would step in and help us. During these 3 months, I continued to dialog with members of all levels. I was encouraged by many leaders to hang in there because  the leaders were going to come into the area to help. Well, that really hasn’t happened, but we had a meeting with the General Director and Vice General Director (Danny and Cliff) a couple of months ago. That was a good meeting. Cliff talked about growing up in this city and his mother’s early practice. It was humorous and nostalgic. He then talked about Buddhism and some SGI. Then Danny talked about Buddhism and a little SGI. I was very encouraged to here both of them talk about Buddhism, quote from the gosho and explain it. Very refreshing. It was also great to see Danny and Cliff.

Last week I finally decided that my plan is not working. The bonds between the districts and members of this chapter continue to dissolve and no one seems to care or even take notice. I contacted the are and asked to have a few minutes at the scheduled area leaders meeting. It was move to the previous week. There is some karma at work here. Every time I try to talk to the area leaders, they have already met for the month. Through the area, we have  scheduled the first chapter meeting in several years. I chanted almost an hour this morning for it’s success and plan to leave work early to chant another hour before the meeting. Mainly, I have to chant to be … not bitchy. I don’t feel bitchy, but 3,00 realm in a single moment, I could just become bitchy. That is my goal, to have a successful chapter leader meeting.

Last month I redecorated my altar. My goal is to get rid of all my SGI stuff and make the altar my own. I never really liked the sets Greg bought. I now have 2 complete sets – a smaller and a larger. For less than $25. I bought 2 new vases, some dried grasses to put in them, a new candle and an incense oil thing.  I tried to get the long rectangular incense burner off, but my kids didn’t like the Fung Shui of it. So it stays for now. Greg and I always put some of ourselves into the altar, but now it has a mush more personal look.

That is the update for now. I already know what the next 2 subjects will be, I just have to write!