Pushing the Broom

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Pushing the Broom

If I refuse to be too happy,
maybe I can avoid being too sad.
I've seen my share of joy,
and more than my share of tears.

With every high comes broken glass.
And this floor is such a mess.
I'd rather push a broom,
so I can have a clean room.

I have no helium for my balloons,
though I have plenty of gas.
And I'm feeling the weight of time and disappointment,
though the sun is high above the gloom.

I understand with my heart,
that shadows are just an artifact of objects.
We stand in the way of the light,
and then we wonder at the darkness.

I'm glad I've come so far,
I wish on a falling star,
that my time can make some meaning,
and I can love another day.


Some days are easy to love,
But each demands love in its own way.
and sometimes loves demands aren't gushy wushy;
But just efforts and a course to stay.

Birthday, September 10, 1955-2012

Lighting a Candle

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Lighting a candle

Lighting a candle for you,
it's the one thing I can do.
My prayers soar to the heavens,
in my mind, but I'm not sure the stars hear.
And by comparison with your Majesty, 
suns are stars, 
and stars are small things.
can you hear me?

Magnified and sanctified is your name,
but I can't even pronounce it right.
And I fear such shepherds as I've seen,
See me as a mere sheep.
Do I hear you? Did you call?

My pastures are parched, 
where is the clean water?
What evil have I done?
Was it in some past existence,
and I exiled here?

Rachel cries for her children no more.
She is at peace at last out among the green grass
where other peaceful beings graze
in the ethereal haze at the edge of imagination.
But here I see stones and grass.
And sadness beyond belief.

Yes I will bless you Universe, 
until I can bless you no more.
Exalted and honored is your name.
What an honor it is to be here,
lost in space and time.

You are beyond my understanding,
and beyond my reach, 
you are with my other loved ones.
In a place I cannot go.

By the waters of eternity 
you rest in comfort and ease,
and I look at the stars above in desolation.
May he who reigns in the world beyond,
where you rest peacefully and secure,
grant us peace in this sad material place
we call Universe.
I'd give all that up to see you again.

How can a rod and staff comfort me?
they can only inflict pain, 
and send one to error again.
But I know the metaphor in its culling sense.
I too go to be sheered or to rest beside her.
When will you be done testing us poor ignorant beings?
And guide us to something better?
I'd go with you willingly to be with you again.

I pursue goodness and love, and they elude me.
If I accept the rod and staff, will I feel comfort?
Oh to be a black sheep or a white sheep,
and not know good and evil as I weep.
Maybe if I don't run away they'll pursue me?
I know the clouds will lift, but you are gone.

Christopher H. Holte, First yartzeit

On the other side of darkness

It's a new stage in getting through grief;
To see through saint alike and creeping thief.
To see through the lies; is to know the truth,
and it's limits in this black box of a material world,
where darkness is just on the other side of the light,
And our fear of the darkness is the real source of our fright.

I'm almost ready to move on,
but I don't know if I'll ever bravely whistle the songs,
I once whistled in my ignorance.